When life imitates art…or something

This story in The Age newspaper caught my attention: ‘He could be in the Olympics’: fugitive running wild

For those of you who can’t be bothered with the enormous task of clicking on a link, here are the relevant parts:

A dreadlocked fugitive has evaded several police nets set up to capture him in the past two days.
The 32-year-old has surprised police with his pace and stamina, each time managing to run away from his pursuers and vanish.
Sergeant Wayne Williams, of Healesville Police, said, “If anyone approaches him he runs and I mean, he could be in the Olympics, because he can run. He’s quick and he can do incredible distances.”

Immediately, this scene from the movie Superbad came into my head [it’s pretty sweary, so maybe headphones if you’re at work]:

I’m pretty sure that’s an accurate portrayal of what’s happening up in Healesville…

Stosur loses French Open: ‘Clay court tennis just bores me too much’

Australian tennis player Samantha Stosur lost the French Open final overnight, succumbing to boredom and Italian player Francesca Schiavone.

“Obviously it’s disappointing to fall at the final hurdle,” said Stosur while borrowing metaphors from another sport.

“But I just couldn’t keep my eyes open. Clay court tennis is just that dull.”

Stosur had a dream run into the final, beating Justine Henin, Serena Williams and Jelena Jankovic.

“Mentally I prepared really well for those games,” said Stosur. “I watched a lot of Parliament question time and lawn bowls, and just worked really hard on staying awake.”

“But there were some baseline rallies that just went on and on and on. By the end I just wanted to curl up with a cup of cocoa on the couch.”

Australian Samantha Stosur takes a quick nap at a change of ends during the 2010 French Open final

Ex-Melbourne Storm CEO Brian Waldron to advise BP on massive cap breaches

Disgraced Melbourne Storm CEO Brian Waldron is to take on a high-level consultancy with BP, to advise them on managing massive cap breaches.

BP chief executive Tony Hayward said the recruitment of Waldron was the right step for the embattled company.

“Brian successfully oversaw breaches in the salary cap that were of a similar scale to the oil pipe cap breaches we’re seeing in the Gulf of Mexico,” said Mr Hayward.

“We think he will bring some unique insights into how we can manage the ‘issues’ we’re facing at the moment.”

Mr Waldron said he already had some strong ideas on containing the crisis.

“The first thing I’d say is that everyone else is doing it – I mean, you only have to look at Exxon back in 1989. BP has been unfairly singled out here.”

“The other option that I’m looking at is hiding some of the oil in separate filing cabinets at my place.”

Colin Farrell announces he is joining the Taliban

The week in pictures

A man searches for his pants after storms hit Asia

A man searches for his pants after storms hit Asia

Vladimir Putin reconsiders his decision not to wear a sports bra

Vladimir Putin reconsiders his decision not to wear a sports bra

Vladimir Putin privately reconsiders his choice of bodyguard

Vladimir Putin privately reconsiders his choice of bodyguard

Colin Farrell announces he is joining the Taliban

Colin Farrell announces he is joining the Taliban

Two female American journalists break down after being harrassed by Bill Clinton on the 14-hour flight home

Two female American journalists break down after being harrassed by Bill Clinton on the 14-hour flight home

Refugee camels flee the Kevin Rudd-sponsored camel genocide in Central Australia

Refugee camels flee the Kevin Rudd-sponsored camel genocide in Central Australia

Malcolm Turnbull's career

Malcolm Turnbull's career

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Ant jaws

Ant mega-colony takes over world

Holy Crap! All those 1960s horror movies were right!

The BBC reports that an ant mega-colony is taking over the world. And the most disappointing thing is all the signs were there, and I didn’t pick up on it.

When I was six, the family went camping. While out exploring, I straddled a log to shimmy over a creek. The log was teeming with hundreds of ants that were the insect-equivalent of ‘Jaws’ in the James Bond movies. I’m not sure, but I think I heard one of them yell ‘Charge’!, and next thing you know they were biting the shit out of me. The park ranger had to come and spray Stingose all over my skinny, six-year-old legs.

Ant jaws

I’ve never been one for the ‘don’t-kill-animals-even-insects-because-karma-will-come-back-and-bite-you’ thing. I’ll maul mozzies, splat spiders and assasinate ants without a second thought. That’s just how I roll. But now I’m rethinking my position.

According to the story, this one breed of Argentinian ants has hideouts the world over:

“In Europe, one vast colony of Argentine ants is thought to stretch for 6,000km (3,700 miles) along the Mediterranean coast, while another in the US, known as the “Californian large”, extends over 900km (560 miles) along the coast of California.”

Six thousand kilometres! How the hell did we miss that? And there’s more – they all know each other.

Here’s how the experiment unfolded. A bunch of scientists with tweezers and really steady hands got some ants from California, Europe and Japan and put them in a cage with some folding chairs, broken glass etc. They also told each ant that the other ants had said really mean stuff about them (it was mostly “ya mama” jokes I think, but I’m not sure).

So after they fired the ants up, the scientists expected them to brawl like crazy. But they didn’t – they just did some secret ant-gang signs and started hanging out. It’s like all the international chapters of the Hells Angels catching up; turns out that the Japanese and Californian and European ants are all super-tight with each other, and they send cards at Christmas etc.

Imagine being a scientist waiting for the ant biffo to start. There’s not much activity, so you bust out the magnifying glass for a closer look. And there is just a whole bunch of ants standing really still,in solidarity, ALL JUST STARING BACK AT YOU.

Anyway, I finished reading this story, and I happened to look across and see some of the related stories. This is what I saw:

Ants

That’s right – seven solid years of stories about ants getting super-organised. Colonies in Australia? Check. They had a leak in the organisation – no problem, ants don’t screw around with cheats: “deceitful ants were bitten, pulled and held by their peers.”

And then the clincher headline: Bees and ants ‘operate in teams’. The coalition of the stinging. You heard it here first: our tiny, six-legged mates are mobilising, and they are going to sting, rash and itch the shit out of all of us.

Consider yourself warned.

Ants

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Pierce Brosnan + L’Oreal = worst ad EVER

Witness, if you will, the worst ****ing advertisement ever, constantly played without remorse on Australian television:

This isn’t quite the version shown in Australia. We have been blessed with a longer, wankier version (yes, it is possible). Pierce Brosnan is at best a mediocre actor, but has followed in the footsteps of Ken Sutcliffe and built an entire career out of having a set of dreamy blue peepers.

Seriously Pierce, how could any individual be so serious about themselves? I bet you talk about yourself in the third person, and probably prefixed with ‘the’ (i.e. “The Pierce specifically asked for a full length mirror – where is it? The Pierce does not approve”)

Why don’t you try this on for an alternative script?*

There’s more to life than making movies.

Appearing in montages…
Being a knob…
Sucking in my stomach…
Looking wistful…

I’m not washed up…I’m worth it. Really I am. Really.

Please L’Oreal, I promise to buy your stupid product, just take Pierce’s whispering voice off Australian television…please!

*Mental note: learn how to grab Youtube videos and dub them.

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