Science watchdog to investigate unregulated research

New York Times
5 May 2007

The US Auditors of Research and Scientific Experiments (ARSE) have confirmed they are investigating a spate of failed experiments in and around the New York City area.

“We have recently become concerned about a range of failed scientific experiments that have resulted in widespread panic and injury in the city of New York,” said ARSE spokesperson Cindy Warner.

“It started with the genetic modification of spiders, which resulted in Spiderman,” said Warner.

“Since then we’ve had the Sandman created in the New York particle accelerator, and Octavius created in a nuclear fusion accident.

“But the catalyst for us was the Green Goblin and the junior Green Goblin as the result of poorly regulated defence research. We felt that once was enough, but for it to happen twice is just ridiculous.”

The watchdog admitted that a lack of funding had crippled their ability to undertake regular inspections, but said the onus to a large extent was on organisations to self-regulate.

“We estimate there has been at least US$2 billion worth of damage to private companies and public infrastructure as a result of fighting between individuals affected by these experiments,” said New York mayor Michael Bloomberg.

“It is absolutely imperative that we tighten up our monitoring of fraudulent and malevolent research projects in the state of New York,” said Bloomberg.

“For every Spiderman, there are three or four villains. It’s just not worth it.”

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