I hate, with a deep, deep passion, Human Nature. For non-Australian visitors, Human Nature is the sappiest, tackiest, cheesiest, most vomit-inducing boy band ever to be recorded. I would dearly like to stab them. Or at least give them a chinese burn, or tie their shoelaces together. Just have a look at them to start with, then we will examine some of the nuances, the details of my hatred of the boyband Human Nature.
Compare that photo with the fictional piss-take boy band, Boytown…
I just can’t imagine where Mick Molloy took his inspiration from. Axle Whitehead actually introduced Human Nature as ‘Boytown’ at the ARIAS last year, which was far funnier than when he got his old fella out later in the night.
This is how they look now, 18 years after they started…
They have swapped the faux street wear they bought from Target for matching polyester suits and dreadful, dreadful dance moves. Look at the guys in the background doing their ‘Oh, Lordy, Lordy!’ hand shakes. Does it not make you want to rip your own eyeballs out (Aaagh, it BURNS!!)? They have ripped the heart and soul out of Motown classics. They have vanillafied Wilson Pickett, Stevie Wonder and Diana Ross with covers so watered down that dysentry is a better description than shit. If only they realised what jokes their lives were it would almost be okay, but they genuinely believe their own publicity.
Look at this one – he is the most annoying:
How can such a little man have so many ridiculously large features? It’s like only his hair, forehead, ears and mouth have gigantism while the rest of him has dwarfism. For some people big is beautiful, but there’s no excusing this sort of ugly. I also suspect he is the ringleader, driving his band to new heights of cheese. He has to go.
But the kicker, the thing that really shits me, is that they are making a BLOODY FORTUNE. In the lead-up to every Christmas and Mothers’ Day they repackage the same tired songs, and people buy it! People of Australia, STOP ENCOURAGING THEM! I implore you. Your mum is going to chuck that CD straight in the bin when you leave. Buy her a slab so she can drink it and forget she ever heard a band that makes money on the side singing at sieges in order to flush out gunmen and hostages alike.
Don’t even get me started on the Lite Erotica fan fiction that people put up in the forum at their website. Seek help. Seriously. I’ve got money that one of the boys from the band is the forum ‘moderator’ – there is no other explanation for how that stuff is still up there.
Part of me wants to believe that they cry themselves to sleep at night. But people like Human Nature have no sense of right and wrong. They are evil, and an appointment at the International Criminal Court at the Hague awaits them for crimes against humanity.
Right, I’m off. I’ve gotta work out how to get this post into the Human Nature forum.