Green energy

Dear Origin Energy,

to listen to your ads, you would think you are the world’s answer to climate change. I imagine dreadlocked, barefooted hippies wandering the company’s corridors, feeding tofu to an army of monkeys who pedal furiously on stationary bikes in order to provide Victorian households with guilt-free energy.

On weekends, staff head for the hills in solar powered cars to plant trees to offset their customers’ carbon. Not because they’re paid to, it’s just the kind of people they are.

But Origin, I think you might be telling fibs. You see, in March this year I signed on to your green energy product. And as part of our agreement you said you would provide me with energy-efficient lightbulbs and a water-saving showerhead.

As of September 5th, and despite several energy-intensive phone enquiries, I am yet to set eyes on these clime-fighting tools. Where are they Origin? What is the problem? If you really cared about the environment you would have given them to us by now.

If we had that shower head, we would have saved enough water to keep dams full on 17 farms*. And if we had those lightbulbs, think of all of the CO2 we would have kept out of the atmosphere.

For God’s sake Origin, you might as well hand a some floaties to the polar bears and boot them off the icebergs yourself – that’s the sort of impact you’re having.

While you’re running through sprinklers, or searching for tadpoles, or recycling your own urine, or whatever it is that you people do, think about those poor bloody polar bears paddling their sweet arses to Hawaii – and see if you can organise my bloody lights.

But most of all, get me that showerhead. I can use it to club door-to-door salespeople who appear nightly on my doorstep to sell me green-friendly utility products.

____________________________________________________

*17 farms is an approximate figure. And by ‘approximate’ I mean ‘a lie’.
____________________________________________________

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5 thoughts on “Green energy

  1. Origin Energy says:

    RE: BLOG – ENERGY PACK

    At Origin we search the net sure our customers are happy across all mediums.

    We apologise for the delay you have experienced and would like to provide you with your energy efficiency pack as soon as possible.

    Origin will either courier or mail this to you on receipt of your name and address details.

  2. Origin Energy says:

    RE:BLOG – ENERGY PACK

    At Origin we search the net to ensure our customers are happy across all mediums.

    We apologies for the delay you have experienced and would like to provide you with your energy efficiency pack as soon as possible.

    Origin will either courier or mail this to you on receipt of your name and address details.

  3. Kate says:

    Har Har, Monkey, you got action! Not the good kind, but the prompt response from big faceless multinational kind — which is harder to get than regular action. Well done tiger. Might I also add that the Origin Energy ad that appears at 7:42am on Sunrise every morning is making me want to kill myself or at the least the smug voice over woman.

  4. luckyborisyeltsinisdead says:

    be careful of the showerhead comrade, if he arrives! in russia we hid eggs of monkey eating spiders inside dissidents complaining about state run utilities…

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