Dear Origin Energy,
to listen to your ads, you would think you are the world’s answer to climate change. I imagine dreadlocked, barefooted hippies wandering the company’s corridors, feeding tofu to an army of monkeys who pedal furiously on stationary bikes in order to provide Victorian households with guilt-free energy.
On weekends, staff head for the hills in solar powered cars to plant trees to offset their customers’ carbon. Not because they’re paid to, it’s just the kind of people they are.
But Origin, I think you might be telling fibs. You see, in March this year I signed on to your green energy product. And as part of our agreement you said you would provide me with energy-efficient lightbulbs and a water-saving showerhead.
As of September 5th, and despite several energy-intensive phone enquiries, I am yet to set eyes on these clime-fighting tools. Where are they Origin? What is the problem? If you really cared about the environment you would have given them to us by now.
If we had that shower head, we would have saved enough water to keep dams full on 17 farms*. And if we had those lightbulbs, think of all of the CO2 we would have kept out of the atmosphere.
For God’s sake Origin, you might as well hand a some floaties to the polar bears and boot them off the icebergs yourself – that’s the sort of impact you’re having.
While you’re running through sprinklers, or searching for tadpoles, or recycling your own urine, or whatever it is that you people do, think about those poor bloody polar bears paddling their sweet arses to Hawaii – and see if you can organise my bloody lights.
But most of all, get me that showerhead. I can use it to club door-to-door salespeople who appear nightly on my doorstep to sell me green-friendly utility products.
*17 farms is an approximate figure. And by ‘approximate’ I mean ‘a lie’.