Boys, cross your legs as you read this squeak-inducing account on the BBC website of an extreme case of testicular separation.
For those who were too lazy to follow the link, here is the crux of the story: a woman who ripped off her ex-boyfriend’s testicle with her bare hands has been sent to prison.
I cannot fathom how vicious this chick must have been to completely sever a testicle. But there are some other details of the story that are even more wild. For example:
She pulled off his left testicle and tried to swallow it, before spitting it out. A friend handed it back to Mr Jones saying: “That’s yours.”
That’s yours? THAT’S YOURS !?!? Mate, you make it sound like you’re handing back a set of lost car keys.
“Oh cheers mate, I was looking for that testicle, Where did you find it?”
“On top of the fridge.”
“I could have sworn I looked there! Oh well, thanks anyway.”
Judge Charles James said it was “a very serious injury.”
That is a stunning insight Your Honour. I don’t know how any man could sit on this case and not sentence this woman to death.
But this is where the story gets really suspect:
In his statement, Mr Jones said she grabbed his genitals and “pulled hard”.
He added: “That caused my underpants to come off and I found I was completely naked and in excruciating pain.”
This guy is claiming that his ex-girlfriend grabbed him and cleanly ripped off his underpants. Who is she, Wonder Woman? I reckon he was stark naked when this all unfolded. This has booty-call-gone-wrong written all over it.
It sounds like a bad lie to a wife: “I swear honey, I wasn’t doing anything – my clothes just came right off!”
Anyway, I discovered something that this bloke might be interested in – Bumper Nuts: