The underworld fitness program

Just a couple of days ago I posted on really, really fat underworld figures in New York. Well, it seems their Mafia cousins in Sicily (not figuratively, I mean they are literally cousins) are no better. Have a look at this article:

Mafia and underworld figures are too fat

What is going on with these underworld characters? Have they lost all respect? They used to be known as ‘The Family’, but to be honest most of these guys are as big as my family.

So I’ve designed a tailored fitness program especially for your ‘more generous’ Mafia figures.

Day 1 – Drug lifts

A gentle start today. Lift 50 x 1kg packets of smack into the back of the police car for transport to your dealers. For an extra workout, place a brick of $100 notes on the back seat of the same police car.

Day 2 – Hits

Get the lungs working today by sawing the limbs off one of your drug rivals. I recommend 4 limbs x 5 minutes per limb. Add in the head for extra. Try to use a hacksaw rather than a chainsaw to get the most out of this workout.

Day 3 – Grave digging

Another great aerobic workout today. Gravedigging is a fantastic all-over workout that will get the muscles burning. For an added challenge, park the car 1-2 kilometres down the road and carry the body from your car boot.

Day 4 – Rest day

You’ve been working hard, so a rest day today. But lay off the pizzas and stay away from your big Italian mammas. Despite what they tell you, you do not need to eat another tray of lasagne.

Day 5 – Collect debts

Swinging a baseball bat in the backrooms of local shop owners is another creative way to get your daily exercise. I suggest 1 shopkeeper x 20 minutes x 5 shops for a decent workout. Use ‘threat time’ to break up each beating i.e. strike, strike, ‘when am I gonna get my money?’, strike, strike.

Try and up your figures in subsequent weeks to ensure you are still challenging yourself. And of course if you are feeling fatigued, back off and get someone else to do it for you.

Fat Tonys of the world, good luck!

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