The body of an Essex school cafeteria cook has been found in the primary school fridge, 15 hours after she was reported missing.
Police are not treating the case as suspicious, but I have two words for you: Jamie Oliver.
That crazy bastard has been getting loopier with every television special he does, and we all know how he feels about school dinners. And after all, he is an Essex expat
I reckon once the autopsy is done properly, they will find her stuffed full of baked beans and chips. Jamie Oliver will be arrested at his house, and marched out to the cop car where he will say words like ‘scrubber’ and ‘pukka’.
The cook was a much loved part of the school community. Rather than being cremated, she asked to be added to next Wednesday’s stroganoff, so she could once again be part – or parts – of the kids’ lives.*
*I made that last bit up.