I went to Canberra yesterday. When I was at Melbourne Airport, I saw a bloke drink a coffee, then seconds later he drank beer. At 10:45am. At the time I thought he was bonkers, but he was probably just going to Canberra.
After I finished working, I went out on to the street to find a taxi. I’ll give you the tip, Canberra on a Sunday afternoon is no buzzing metropolis. I walked for six minutes in the heart of Canberra without seeing a single living creature or vehicle. I walked up the middle of a major road, and it was all I could do not to scream out “HELLO! IS THERE ANYONE HERE?” A couple of times I thought I saw something flit behind me, but that was probably just the Liberal Party’s shadow ministry.
If I ever make a post-apocalyptic zombie flick – and I intend to – It will definitely be set in Canberra. I’m going to get public servants to play zombies, they’re perfect for the role. They’ll lurch around Canberra doing horrifying things like trying to feed on human flesh or getting people to write ministerial briefs.
And the only way to defeat them will be to lead them into a roundabout, which their dull zombie minds can’t cope with. The hero (played by me of course) will take an exit while the public servant zombies run endless circles. It works on so many levels.
For some reason (I haven’t decided what yet, but probably a quarantine of Canberra), the only place to take refuge for the night will be Parliament house. My small group of weary survivors will be holed up, only to discover the grand-daddy Zombie and his crew are (shock) already in Parliament: Yep, Kevin Rudd and his cabinet. Zombie Kev speaks in a droning monotone and no-one is really sure what he is saying.
But as they lurch towards the cornered survivors, I notice someone is missing. Then, just as all hope is lost, the doors are kicked open. Standing silhouetted in the moonlight, only her flaming red hair gives away her identity – it’s Julia Gillard! Her gingerness makes her immune to becoming a zombie! (Gingerness is a more virulent virus than zombie-ism). She’s got a flame thrower she got from the Duntroon military college down the road, and a mountain bike from the AIS. She steps up to Zombie Kev and says, “Forget the global financial crisis – this is a meltdown!” and torches all the Cabinet zombies.
Err, yeah, so as you can tell, I had a bit of time on my hands at the airport. But Canberra really is the perfect eerie abandoned location for making films. Apparently the National Gallery is quite good too.