Don’t let bogans name kids. Or rockstars for that matter (Zoe Bowie? Rohan Bowan? Heavenly Hirani Tigerlily?)
There have been a couple of stories this week about messed up kids names that further reinforce my opinion that bogans should have no rights. At all.
When they have rights, they just screw it up.
(What, you want evidence? Exhibit A: Casey Donovan. If bogans can’t be trusted with an Australian Idol vote, how are they still allowed to participate in Federal elections?)
Have a look at this story from Queensland about kids names that have been accepted over the years: Narnia, Number 16 Bus Shelter, Midnight Chardonnay and Violence. In New Zealand, Talula does the Hula from Hawaii.
And they are just the ones that got through – how does Gummy Bear, Coca Cola or King John 1 grab you? Or Sex Fruit, Twisty Poi, and Stallion? Or perhaps Fish and Chips for twins (okay I quite like that last one).
But Aussies and our Kiwi neighbours are put to shame by a couple of rednecks from the USA who called their kids Adolf Hitler Campbell and JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell. Losers.
So here is what should happen. If you give your kid a stupid name, you come before an independent commission (consisting of me) that punishes you.
Your child is stripped of their stupid name, but is given a new name by me. Trying to call your kid Gummy Bear? Too bad, now he’s called My Parents Have No Teeth. Sex Fruit is now called Adopted. Wanna call your kid Adolf Hitler? Guess what, I just renamed him Malcolm X. So you think Aryan Nation is a cute name? Stiff, your kid is now called Cultural Melting Pot. Or Rainbow Nation. Or Yellow Fever.
Court is in session.