Top five awesome presents for suckers to buy

In the course of my research for the Fight Ninjas with Tom Cruise! post earlier in the week, I visited redballoondays.com.au, a website devoted to exotic, different or creative gift ideas and experiences.

They have some great stuff there. The Excellent Missus bought me a 90-minute flying lesson from the site, and you can bet I’ll be blogging about that.

Unfortunately though, the site is also chock-full of absolute shit. Try this on for size:

What do you give the person who has everything and means everything to you? What could make someone feel more special than having a real star named in their honour?…Are the stars visible to the naked eye? Only 2873 stars are visible to the naked eye. They aren’t available for naming because they already have scientific and historical names.

$286 dollars. They can’t see the stars because of the dollar signs in their eyes.

How about this?

A handwriting analysis by a trained graphologist can provide you with unique insight into your personality on many levels – emotionally, spiritually and intellectually.

$360 dollars. I bet for the handwriting sample you have to write out ‘sucker’ 1000 times.

This one is flat out criminal:

Rev up the traditional slide night with your own photo show DVD [of 50 photos], complete with subtitles, special effects and a great soundtrack.

$500 OUTRAGEOUS DOLLARS, each dollar more disgusting than the last.

And all you have to do is…

As part of the process you’ll need to scan your photos to CD (or we can do that for you at an additional cost), place them in the order you’d like them to appear, let us know any titles you’d like included and send us the music track/s you’d like or select a song from our library with our assistance. Music is really important to help set the mood!

What’s left to do?! If you can scan photos to CD, you can make a DVD. If you can’t, I will come and show you how. For $50 dollars.

This will make your missus feel good about herself:

Dressing Sense Enhancement – 3 Month Online Course

This 3-Month Online Course is all you need to know about your body type. This renowned Sydney stylist will have you saying ‘I never thought I’d be able to wear that outfit!’

I hope your couch is comfortable, because this gift says “I love you honey, but your dress sense is rubbish, so this course will help you improve it, but you’re pretty rough so probably best if you just do the course online so you don’t have to go outside.”

But if you want to guarantee some solid sofa-time, just buy this:

Do you want to show your romantic side? Then send your partner a romantic letter by email, which they can access from anywhere in the world.

To craft the perfect romantic letter, we’ll ask you to complete and return an information form that we will send to you. Once we receive the information, we’ll write and email you a letter that you can forward to your loved one.

$79 dollars! You’re kidding me! I like to think the email would actually have the FW: in the subject line, and perhaps a note from the guy who composed the letter:

love-letter

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