An open letter to India

Dear India,

how are you? I’m okay, but enough of the small talk.

I have a bone to pick with all 1 billion of you. I’ve always had a lot of time for you India. I like your cricketing prowess and your whacky Bollywood movies, and you did a really good job of standing up to all those cowboys that one time.

But most of all, I like your food. It’s really, really good. Eating Indian food is like there’s a party in my mouth and everyone is doing a giant synchronised dance scene. India, you have been one of the world’s great colonisers. I have eaten your awesome food in Egypt, Penang, Mozambique and Laos. There is nowhere your mad culinary skills don’t reach. If Indian restaurants were mobile phone towers, you would have the best coverage in the world.

Well, almost.

But India, this is why I’m writing – there is a gaping, yawning hole in your global Indian restaurant coverage in the eastern suburbs of Melbourne. Don’t believe me? Check this screengrab out:

See? Nothing!

How could you let this happen India? You’ve been so good to me in the past, and now – nothing. My heart is burning like No. 5 Mumbai curry.

And the two restaurants I did find were closed! India, your shores are the home of bonded labour, long hours and poor working conditions, but your expats have gone soft like a perfectly cooked roti. Closed! On a Monday! You don’t see the Thais shutting up shop on a Monday night!

It’s too late now anyway. My wife wanted Butter Chicken for tea. I drove around for 40 MINUTES looking for an Indian restaurant. Do you know what happened when I came home empty-handed? She beat me with an iron and a bag of onions. Thanks for nothing India.

But I don’t want this to turn into a pointless finger-pointing exercise, even though it was clearly your fault. India, I implore you – spare our faraway shores a fraction of your awesome curry-cooking skills. Just a small commitment, perhaps one or two thousand people, to fill Melbourne’s eastern suburbs with your fragrant goodness – particularly on a Monday night.

Yours Tandoorily,


p.s. Sorry about Shantaram. I was really embarrassed for you when that knob wrote it.

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5 thoughts on “An open letter to India

  1. ian in hamburg says:

    The great and good people of India have sent me on their behalf to respond to your most reasonable request to ensure that their exquisite culinary delights will always be available to you forever and in a 24/7 mode of operation and this is why I am now kindly answering to you.
    Press one if you are complaining about your food being cold.
    Press two if ….

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