I’m going to be a father! How about that for an introduction?
It is massively, massively exciting, and surreal, and awe-inspiring. I have a whole jumble of thoughts bouncing around, but here are a few I’ve managed to pin down long enough to write down.
Three great things about having a baby
- A lifetime of telling bad dad jokes is about to pay off handsomely.
- I get to go to a breastfeeding course. My first question was ‘will everyone have their boobs out?’ The answer was ‘yes’. Sweet!
- I am about to receive a lifetime of blog posts, delivered right to my front door (metaphorically speaking – I can’t stress that enough. I don’t want any literal deliveries on the front door).
Naming babies is not the same as naming a pet
I have to keep reminding myself that babies are not pets. Therefore they should not have witty names. Nor should they be named after famous historical figures. Nor should they have pet names. As a result we have already eliminated Deefa, Idi Amin and Chairman Meow as potential names for our baby.
No excuses for not being informed…
I am drowning in a sea of baby-related literature: “Up the Duff”, “What to expect when you’re expecting”, “First-time father”, “Birth: an excruciating description” and “The first month: coming to terms with a newborn redhead” are balanced in a precarious stack on my bedside table. It is all a bit overwhelming. The Excellent Missus is keen to get to grips with the machinations of what’s going on in her guts, so she has been all over it.
I know this is probably not the right thing to say, but I’ve struggled to get through much of it. Here’s how I see it:
- My wife is healthy, I’m happy
- My wife is not healthy, I take her to the doctor. Let’s face it, I’m not going to take risks by speculating about anything that goes wrong – I’m taking it straight to the experts
Buy! Buy! Buy!
I reckon even more than becoming a home owner, having a baby on the way thrusts you into a whole new demographic. Nothing like a bit of parental insecurity to shift some useless bit of baby equipment. Asides from strollers, cots, change tables etc, these are some of my favourite baby-related products:
Wipe your arse with your hand! Get the kids into good habits early! Potty Mitts, for all your hygiene needs.
What better way to bond with your baby than by sucking the snot from their nose with a medieval instrument of torture? The Snotsucker is bringing parents and children together.
Babies can be so boring in the early months. Why not put them to good use as a unique wall hanging? A great conversation starter at dinner parties. The Babykeeper Basic can make it a reality.
I wouldn’t say that I’m ready to be a dad – no-one ever thinks they’re ready – but I’m as least not-ready as I’m ever likely to be, if that makes sense.
Most of the time, you only recognise that an event is life-changing until well after it has happened. You look back and realise that a certain event or incident has fundamentally transformed your life.
Having a baby isn’t like that. Right from the moment you find out, you know your life has changed, no matter what happens. And you get nine months to meditate on every single possible permutation, every nuance of how your life might change.
Perfect fodder if you’re naturally predisposed to having a bit of a worry about things.