Rudd launches REFUGEE job scheme

Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd has launched a massive job creation scheme in northern Australia in an attempt to stave off the effects of the global recession.

“The ‘Real Employment For U Guarding Eager Escapees’ scheme – or REFUGEE for short – will throw open Australia’s northern borders to boat-loving, dole-bludging queue jumpers from around the world,” said Mr Rudd at today’s launch.

“This will create a massive problem in need of a solution. And that solution is jobs.”

Explaining the scheme, Mr Rudd said that a dramatic influx in boat people would require massive numbers of people to build new detention centres in remote Western Australia, and hundreds more to service them once they were up and running.

“Let me say one thing: and that thing is this thing which I am about to say now: Job creation and attracting people to regional centres are two of the great challenges facing Australia in these tough economic times. These new detention centres will meet both of those challenges,” said Mr Rudd.

“Think about it – construction, materials, engineers, security guards, doctors, cleaning contracts, food preparation, riot police, psychologists, psychiatrists and case workers for the detainees, more psychologists and psychiatrists for the case workers, security guards, riot police and other staff. Then there is the next tier of services for those working at the detention centres: housing, shops, pubs and prostitutes…there are literally thousands of jobs that will be created by this new REFUGEE scheme.”

Opposition leader Malcolm Turnbull attacked the scheme, saying it missed other obvious employment opportunities.

“If the Prime Minister was serious about job creation, he would have also hired a few hundred swimming instructors and sent them out to Ashmore Reef.”

In separate news, Mr Turnbull has also called on Australians to like him more, promising he would “be their best friend” if they did. Mr Turnbull’s popularity with voters continues to plummet, with a recent poll finding most Australians would choose Britain’s Got Talent star Susan Boyle as their preferred Prime Minister.

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